Water into Wine

No post in over a year -- my first year of marriage. I think that's alright. Want to try and actually live life and not just react to it. A worrying trend in our blogging age? Is this a blogging age?

My wife installed a couple of weddings in Napa Valley recently, so I got to visit again. This, along with the fact my in-laws also live in wine country, means I've been thinking a lot about vino.

I quite like wine. It's good. Like the majority of humans, I have no idea what to do when a waiter hands me the wine list, but I've got the usual nonsense I can bring out for such occasions:

1) "Mmm, such a full body."
2) "That has tons of bouquet, it really does."

and if I'm feeling really dangerous:

3) "So cleansing. So cleansing on the palate, that one."

But, despite having the taste buds of a 12-year-old, I think I can tell the difference between a good bottle and a bad bottle.

Napa Valley is basically a freak of geography. It's about 22 miles long and, at its biggest part, about 2 miles wide. California didn't really take to wine-making until very recently - around the 1970s. For further information, watch 'Bottle Shock' starring Alan Rickman. It tells the story of how a blind taste test against the French (who were pretty much against the idea of Americans producing wine) saw a Californian wine win. That's really what brought wine-making to America.

And Napa Valley is the place. Because of the valley, it means the area gets the scorching heat during the day and the cold at night. The mountains on either side lock in the cold at night - so it gets the perfect cycle for wine making. It gets the heat and it gets the cold. My in-laws live in another area that produces wine, but it's not as famous as Napa because it doesn't have the mountains on either side giving it a more rounded cycle.

Armed with this knowledge, I've been re-reading the story of Jesus turning the water into wine.

John 2:
9 When the master of the feast tasted the water now become wine, and did not know where it came from (though the servants who had drawn the water knew), the master of the feast called the bridegroom 10 and said to him, “Everyone serves the good wine first, and when people have drunk freely, then the poor wine. But you have kept the good wine until now.”
 
Here's a couple of things I saw:

1) Jesus is in the business of producing good wine.
2) This produce won't arrive in the timing culture might expect.

So many times I've thought I've missed the boat on something only to be proved wrong by a more divine timing. I suddenly made a connection:

Psalm 23:
4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,[a]
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me
 
These valley times that we go through - the lonely times; the confusing times; the horrendous dark nights of the soul - suddenly they turn upside down.

John 15
5 I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.
 
More wine language.

Because of the valleys, we get the perfect cycle to produce the best wine. There will be a waiting period - something we do NOT understand in our culture, and there will be pruning - sometimes painful.

So I am going to try my best to stay away from what I am now coining 'Lambrusco Faith'. For Americans, 'Two-Buck-Chuck'.

UK Immigration

In July 2012, the British government made sweeping changes to their immigration laws.

It is now so much harder for married couples from two different countries to be together. The UK national must be earning over £18,600 PA for six months or have cash savings of over £64,000 before they can apply for a spousal visa. It starts to get very, very complicated if you are a freelancer or have income from two different sources. Here's a petition and a story about a lady who faces giving birth to her first child alone as her foreign spouse faces deportation two months before the due date: 

https://you.38degrees.org.uk/petitions/theresa-may-don-t-force-me-to-give-birth-without-my-husband?bucket&source=facebook-share-button&time=1390415738

There is a sneaky way around this law that people have tried to utilise called the 'Surinder Singh' route. In its most basic form, under European law (a law the UK government can't change), the married couple can legally live and work in an EU/EEA country for at least four months and then re-enter the UK without hindrance. They can apply for the spousal visa they always wanted without anyone stopping them - it's even FREE through this route. For a BBC video article on the subject, see here: 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-23029195

My wife and I got married in September 2013 and attempted the Surinder Singh route for months; tirelessly looking for a way into another EU country, all to no avail. The US route didn't seem to offer much help either, as we were told I would have to be out of the country whilst my green card processed. That could take up to nine months, so the reality of us being separated at some point in our marriage grew so much that we genuinely didn't see a way out.

My wife's tourist visa ran out just before Christmas, so we hopped on a plane to California not knowing what was next. As she had maxed out her tourist time in the UK, we knew she wouldn't be able to re-enter until June 2014. Not great.

But, after a trip to LA - the city where we met - some doors opened for both of us. We then had a consultation with yet another immigration lawyer who confirmed that I can legally overstay my tourist visa in the US whilst my green card gets processed. So, for the first time in a year, we can breathe a sigh of relief that we don't have to be apart. It looks like we're moving here. But it's still early days.

This whole process has really affected me, and has left something of a bitter taste in my mouth about how my country is currently conducting itself. We have come face-to-face with UK policy that is biased, racist, anti-marriage and has caused me to, literally, flee the country of my birth so I can stay with my wife. I didn't even get to say a proper goodbye to my friends, family, nieces and nephews.

Immigration is such a hot topic - everyone seems to have an opinion. It's one of those topics that seem to evoke a passionate response out of even the most politically apathetic. I've heard so many people say there are far too many foreigners in the UK who are sponging off the benefit system; but I wonder how many of these people have actually seen the numbers and can make a case for and against certain spending? Because, if they haven't, and have such strong opinions without evidence, that's... interesting.

So. I am now in setting up life in the new world like so many before me. I'm sure this will lead to many more comedic blog posts. Please read the petition above and sign if you feel so called. These aren't abstract numbers, they are human beings.

"I have never welcomed the weakening of family ties by politics or pressure" - Nelson Mandela.

My Wedding Speech

And so... I am married. It is done.

I didn't blog as much as I had planned throughout the whole process -- things got so incredibly busy by the end of it. I have never known anything like it, actually. I was still performing my groom's tasks up until 10 minutes before the service started. But, for those of you who wanted it (Mother/Father/Mother-in-law/Father-in-law), here is a transcript of my wedding speech:



"Well. Thank you very much. I've waited a long time to say this….

My WIFE and I…

…Would like to thank you all for being here today.

I'm going to go through a few thank yous and then I'm going to get into my main speech.

There are so many people we want to thank and as I look around the room and catch certain people's eyes I'm going to want to go off script and thank you personally, so forgive me if I forget you, I am a little bit nervous.

Firstly, I want to thank my new American Family. I have been left utterly astounded at how willingly you have opened yourselves up to having this wedding in the England. Abby and I are not exactly sure how it worked out that we had our main wedding day here, but you have been so up for the adventure of it all that it has left me astonished. You have welcomed me into your family with more grace and favour than I could ever have imagined. Not once have I heard you grumble or be unwilling to come over and have your daughter's marriage take place in a completely different country and, for that, I earnestly want to say from the bottom of my heart: God bless America! Ever since I read To Kill A Mockingbird and watched Calamity Jane when I was about 9 I have had a romance for the deep south of America and now I get a Grandma from North Carolina and a father-in-law from Mississippi.

Next, I want to thank my English Family. This year my parents celebrated their 38th anniversary and they have given me such a wonderful model of marriage that I can only hope to emulate. My three sisters and my twin brother - thank you for putting up with me; I know very well how hard I make it for all of you to like me. 

My ushers for doing such an incredible job today. Rob, Dan, Tom, Paul, Tom and my best man, Ed, thank you for being there with me.

Annie Kirke… How wonderful was Annie today? You led the service so well and I think you are such a wonderful person. To live with such humility and grace when you repeatedly come against people who don't even think that you should do what you do… I think you're amazing.

Pete Hughes. Your talk today was so wonderful. I know, guttingly, that Bee can't be here today, but I want to say that you guys are so special to me. You have invested so much into my life over the last few years and I wouldn't be here without you.

My brother-in-law, Paul and everyone in the band for the music during the service, I thought it sounded absolutely wonderful.

I can see Rick and Henrietta Blyth there. These guys let me stay in their house for a year and a half rent free a couple of years ago while I tried to get this writing career off the ground. Thank you so much for everything you've done for me.

I'd like to thank a couple called Andy and Karen Jones for overseeing the catering service and the waitresses today. You have gone above and beyond these past few weeks.

Finally, I'd liked to thank the caterers, our florist, Hatty, who came over from Shoreditch, and our wedding coordinator, Jessie.

To fully understand the significance of this day and also the impact that Abby has made in my life, it's necessary to understand a little about my story.

Now, I was the kind of kid who would watch a movie and then go straight into the back garden and try to recreate that movie. If it was Indiana Jones or the Goonies, then I get an old piece of rope and that would be my whip and I'd try to build a boat and go on an adventure somewhere. Stories spoke to me clearer than anything else - and they still do - and when I would watch these stories there would always be a romance or a love story right in the centre of them which must have birthed something significant in me because I started to develop this belief that romance was something good and attainable. And then I watched the Princess Bride and knew that I was in trouble, because that fledgling belief exploded and I knew that I wanted nothing other than true love. If there was to be a romantic story within the adventure of my life, then nothing else but a real, deep, true romantic story would suffice. I refused to have anything else.

This developed in a somewhat odd way and I found myself watching quite a few romantic comedies throughout my teens. The desire and belief that a wonderful romantic story was out there for me grew and grew. I didn't know what it looked like; but I knew that I would know it when it came.

The extent of this worldview and belief can be seen through a piece of writing that I worked on a couple of years back. The greats always say write what you know about, so I decided to write a sitcom based around a caricature of me when I was probably about 18 years old. This sitcom would be driven by the 'fictional' lead character's unquenchable and comical thirst for true, passionate and undeniable romance. The authenticity of the writing must have been strong, as it was taken up by BBC3 - and I say that not to blow my own trumpet, but just to say that the outworking of my belief in romance was so comically great that it was almost made into a sitcom at the BBC.

Off the back of this, I decided to, once again, write what I knew, and put pen to paper for a movie script, this time based around a lead character that used to believe in romance but now, due to broken experiences, had lost that faith.

And it was that project that led me out to Los Angeles and to Abby. 

The details of how Abby and I came together are so wonderfully whimsical that I am still coming to terms with them now. I have shared with pretty much every human I've ever come into contact with the intricacies of our story, so I won't repeat them to you now. Except to say this; that I have a picture in my head of what was happening in heaven on the Tuesday of our first date. I have this picture of God up in heaven with a bunch of people and he is gathering them around from far and wide throughout the day as if he's preparing them to watch the television event of the year that evening. He's excitedly telling them, 'you guys have got to come and see this one… come on, you guys over there, come over here, watch what's about to happen...this is a good one.'

Looking back on it now, I am still amazed and, like I said, I'm still coming to terms with what has happened in my life. But from that moment on, it was like I had been reunited with my best and closest friend who I hadn't seen for 29 years.

For me, it feels fitting that we're getting married in the Quantocks. Those of you who know your literature will know that Wordsworth and Coleridge really started the whole romantic period here. And Wordsworth once wrote 'I wondered lonely as a cloud' - and that really sums up my life before I met you, Abby. Even though I had come into a very real relationship with the grand storyteller of them all, I still found myself wondering lonely as a cloud.

I have walked so many of these Somerset roads over the years, Abby. Every road and country lane that all of you will travel through over the next couple of days whilst you're here, I have most likely walked along and prayed to God that He would bring a love into my life. I have hoped, dreamed, longed and prayed for you, Abby, and, quite simply, you surpass every single one of my imaginings. You are the most wonderful, graceful, elegant and hilarious person I have ever met and you are so much more than I could have ever hoped and prayed for. I love you and am so excited to spend the rest of my life with you.

Now most of you know that Abby and I face some interesting times ahead with visa stuff, but I want to say that it was by faith, Carey, that I was brought into your daughter's arms and into your daughter's heart and it is only by faith that we will go on to see greater things than the those that we have experienced over the last year and a half.

So, join me in raising a toast to my beautiful wife Abigail, and the fulfillment of faith."

Warp-factor: WEDDING

Okay, so it seems the idea of me planning the majority of the wedding by myself was a pipe dream. Introducing our new wedding coordinator, Jessie: http://www.jessiethomson.co.uk/ 

A genius, life-saving masterstroke by us (Abby). Already the load has been lightened ten-fold. Her role is to put together a design plan for us to execute (hence 'coordinator' rather than 'planner'), and then help us with set-up the day before and the running on the big day.

Abby flew into the country a fortnight ago and we have been in full-blown prep mode ever since. We visited the venue again. We've decided not to use their chairs or tables and hire in our own. It might be the fact that I've just turned 30, but I'm actually really excited about the tables. I've been told that because of the placements, we won't need major floral arrangements on the tables. For the large part, I nod. I look serious. I pretend that I know what's going on. I say, 'Mmm, yes, I concur'.

There are seven separate areas in the venue that will all be decorated with a different style. One of these is a large hallway. Abby wants to bring 'the outside, inside' and line it with trees. Here she is with some trees:

In other news, the ushers and I will be wearing matching white shirts and navy ties, with me wearing a three-piece navy suit, and them wearing these:

We went dress-shopping with all four flower girls yesterday. Warfare. No luck. We've decided on them searching the internet for whatever dress they want and us reimbursing them. Peace time.

The main thing Abby cares about with this wedding is the flowers. Don't question it. Don't even think about it. She's been earnestly searching for her perfect florist for about 5 months, including 4am internet worm-hole searches for the past fortnight. We think we've found it, but that might change. It will change. No, it won't.

It will.

A Year in WhatsApp Videos

When you're in a long distance relationship, a free messaging app like 'WhatsApp' is a life-saver. 

I met my fiance a year ago yesterday. To mark the occasion, I decided to go through her phone and take a look at some of the video messages I've sent her over the past 12 months.

I had forgotten many of them and thought editing them together in a 'supercut' was needed. Probably best with headphones...

Groom's Bridal Party

Thought I'd take a moment to introduce my half of the bridal party.

Best Man: Edward Christopher Martin Powell
My twin brother. 13 minutes younger. A new father. His two middle names have convinced him he's a rock star.

Groomsman: Thomas Thayer
Have known him since I was 18. We were in a band together called 'The Hinges'. We lasted a gig and a half.

Groomsman: Paul Kingsley-Smith
My brother-in-law. I was a groomsman at his wedding in 2004. Has a habit of throwing things at my face... rocks, balls of ice, etc. Brilliant golfer. 

Groomsman: Robert Selby
Met each other in our first week of University. We were the only two out-and-out romance writers in a Creative Writing degree filled with darkness.

Groomsman: Daniel Chalke
Friends since our late teens. As David loved Jonathan, Tom loved Daniel. Only other human I know who has the golden combination of Avalon Sunset by Van Morrison and the Aladdin soundtrack on their iTunes.

Groomsman: Tom Eccleshall
Met straight out of University in 2005. Worked together. Used to take extra long lunch breaks where we would share each others songs on the grand piano next door. His were better.

Creamed

This will be a long blog post. 

I've never been a fan of brevity; the full-frontal attack of Twitter's 140 characters and resulting cultural obsession with cheapening everything into a pithy quote is a battle I fight on a daily basis. Today, friends, I need as many words as I can get my hands on.

Last night, I went to a wedding showcase event in Downtown Los Angeles called 'The Cream'. There's a line from the 'Lord of the Rings' that perfectly sums up how I've been feeling for the last few hours. In 'The Two Towers', an exasperated, confused, emotionally exhausted King Theoden comes face-to-face with the realisation that war is upon him and he has to lead his troops against the Uruk Hai. Bewildered, he solemnly asks, 'how did it come to this?'.

I went with my fiance, Abby to see what was going on in the world of weddings and maybe to get inspiration for our own big day. I thought I was quite knowledgeable about what weddings entailed. I. Know. Nothing.

So, apparently teepees are in...

It's taken three months, but I had my very first Steve Martin/Father of the Bride moment: 'A cake, Franck, is made of flour and water, my first car didn't cost $1200...'

Now I'm in a bind; I don't want to judge anyone, but I do need to express what I'm feeling. I've done my Myers Briggs test enough times to discover that I 'pick up' on things in an environment. The resulting 'processing period' looks like judgement to some people. It's really not.  

I'm aware that there are different levels going on here and I feel I should address them separately. Firstly, I absolutely, genuinely applaud every independent start-up company and anyone who follows their dreams and makes them a reality. Secondly, I am humbled and full of admiration of any artist who puts their work into the public eye - you are to be commended for your courage and creativity. 

Having said that... there's something going on here that I can't get my head around. There were about 800 people at this event and we were the only couple there. Honestly. Abby and I couldn't see another couple anywhere. Halfway through I played a fun game with myself called 'spot the male'. I lost. 

It was a wedding fair that wasn't for couples preparing a wedding... what is that? It was filled with women. Where are all the men? Seriously, where are they all? At one point, one of the venders seemed bemused when I told them that I was actually planning a wedding.

It seemed like the whole place was saturated with something that had turned in on itself. Call me naive, but I thought a wedding was two people coming together in front of their friends, family and God and making a public commitment to each other. How did it come to this?

It's made me examine if there is anything in my own life that I have let turn in on itself. That I have let become a golden calf. An idol. Have I let the idea of a wedding day become the be all and end all? What about marriage? What's next after the big day? It's like everywhere I look everything is all about the quick answer - the show - the image - the front... what comes after that? What's underneath and below that? Is that the problem I have with Twitter quotes? With Instagram? Am I just show? I want depth, sincerity and genuineness. So many questions have been buzzing around my head since I got 'Creamed'.

Having said all of that, one thing struck me the most. I simply could not believe how lucky I was to be engaged to the most beautiful woman in the whole building. It really floored me.

On another note, I think I've found my suit! Cue: Zadok the Priest. Here's me and my twin (best man)...

It's going to take a while to get my head around 'The Cream'. Until then, ride on to glory, Theoden King and all true soldiers of the West.

Surf

I've come to know that big things come in waves.

Church, venue & catering were the first big ones. What seemed daunting at first actually turned out to be really enjoyable -- ooooh, lesson -- and we are now enjoying a little bit of a calm swell. 

This swell has freed us up to do things like... buy a load of glasses:

There have been more examples of the mismatch of X&Y chromosomes between Abby and I. After fearing that she would never find her dress, it was found within 15 minutes of the first shop. I, however, still continue to debate my choice of suit. Pathetic. Two more options here:

Apparently the shirt won't go with the dress, so I tried on this one:

...which was so darn itchy that I'd have to carry a tube of hydrocortisone with me throughout the day. Although I do like the bow tie. 

Another thing to happen was the provision of a house for the bride's family to stay in whilst they're here. Some friends of ours will be away in Australia for all of September and have offered their home. Which is an incredible blessing.

I fly back over to LA on Wednesday for a month so there will be lots of little planning done then.

Spit

I want the food at our wedding reception to tap into the charms of the West Country. When you combine the American love of beef with the fact that Somerset has more cows than any other county in England, the beef vibe seems like a no brainer. But I don't think it's very weddingy.

So that leaves us with one word, shirelings: pig.

I love the simple wildness of a pole shoved up the ass and out of the mouth of a wild animal. So I went ahead and booked a hog roast. Can you believe they give you the option of having the head or not having the head. I chose having the head. Obviously.

So that's the big three done: church, venue, catering. This means I can move onto something a bit more fun: what to wear. I'm a skinny man. Ergo: I look a bit of a twat in a wedding suit with tales.

Not so funny story: on the morning of my twin brother's wedding I discover that my suit is already a bit too big for me. Then the two-sizes bigger than me groom says that he'd like to swap suits so he can look more defined. It's his wedding, obviously, so I take one for the team and end up looking like Tom Hanks at the end of Philadelphia. 

All this to say that I'm exploring suit options. I like the idea of a bow tie. Below is an option from Topman. No rush, plenty of time to decide.

Quantock Lodge

We've just booked our reception venue. 

About ten miles away from the church there is a range of hills called the Quantocks. They're gorgeous. Coleridge and Wordsworth hung out there back in the day and created the whole romantic movement. It was the first place in England to be labelled an 'area of outstanding natural beauty'. I was the second. Laughter.

The venue is called Quantock Lodge and it looks like this:

Abby has a lot of ideas for decorations. The Friday before the wedding day will be a day of crafting and making the whole venue look something similar to her whimsy page on Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/alyndsay/whimsy/  

We'd love for the front of the Lodge to look like this Tim Walker image:

Every good hero needs a sidekick. I'm not the only one planning this wedding. This is my older sister, Steph:

Back in August, Steph was diagnosed with a brain tumour and underwent surgery for 5 1/2 hours to remove it. 5 months later, she's helping me plan my wedding. 

Bit awkward really, because she thinks she's helping me run for President. Keep smiling...

Right, church and venue: booked. Next stop: catering...

The Save The Dates

So our first major decision was where to have the wedding ceremony. What would normally be a fairly stress-free decision has proven to be a rather complicated one due to us being from two different countries. 

We want to do a ceremony in both places for anyone who can't make it over and for anyone who wants to fly over and celebrate with us. But, which one first? To cut a VERY long visa/lawyer/immigration story short, our main ceremony will be in England first and then a smaller blessing in LA 7 weeks later. If you're from the UK, you're more than welcome to come along. Go on, buy a flight - it's the perfect excuse for a holiday!

The UK service will take place at St George's Church, Wembdon, Somerset. It looks like this:

I was Christened in this church. Cool.

So, we've confirmed the date(s) and we've booked the church. I guess now we need to book a venue for the reception. That's the next job. We've got an idea on that already, so, in typical Arsene Wenger-transfer rhetoric there 'should be some news soon'. Until then, take a look at a couple of Save the Date prototypes I got my brother to make. These aren't the final ones - those bad boys have been sent to the printers and will be in the post soon.

Thanks to Ed Powell for the design and Daley Hake for the pictures: daleyhake.com

Don't Tell The Bride

Christmas 2012 brought with it a betrothal, young shirelings. After years of wandering, the boy from the shire finally found his elven princess and proposed to her high atop the mountains of... Burbank, Los Angeles.

A third airport goodbye took place two weeks later and, just like in all good trilogies, the third installment was more brutal than the previous.

There's a TV show in England called Don't Tell The Bride. The basic gist is that the groom has to plan the wedding and the bride has no idea what is going on until the big day. Yes, it IS the greatest show ever. Due to an unknown twist in our X&Y chromosomes, it turns out that the groom is way more excited about planning the wedding than the bride.

So, seeing as we're having the main ceremony in England first, we've decided to split the tasks right down the middle: bride takes care of visa and future housing (she's American and we're planning on living there first); groom takes care of the wedding.

This is, I feel, prime blogging material, so I will be documenting the planning of our wedding for the next few months.

First off, tea with the vicar and then a trip to the doctor's, because I think I have tonsillitis. Or 'strep throat' to you Yanks...

Richard Branson

Back in March I traveled to Los Angeles. And like, so, like, I met someone...

I was there to have some meetings for a romantic comedy I had written and ended up experiencing the real thing first hand. If you knew the subject and goings on in the script, I think you'd join me in chuckling at the prophetic life imitating art thing.

I returned to England and knew my sights had been changed. I'm currently trying to get my head around VISA stuff - not an easy business. But, I'm hoping Mr Richard Branson can help me... Upon my return to the homeland, I swiftly found a job in an attempt to save as much money as possible, but, I thought it wouldn't hinder proceedings if I wrote to Virgin Atlantic asking them for a free one!

Below is a link to the letter I sent. The leading lady of this story flew over to the UK a month or so after I returned and has been here for the past 6 weeks. She flew back to the States yesterday. Cue emotional Facebook statuses and teary eyes brought on by not much at all. Yesterday's favourites include 'Viva Forever' by the Spice Girls and 'Cheaper By The Dozen 2'.

Virgin Atlantic replied about 2 weeks after I sent it saying that they couldn't help. But, I'm not stopping there. Next destination = straight to Mr Branson's secretary. Will let you know the outcome. If you know anyone who can help in this regard, please email me on tom_powell@hotmail.com

You can read the letter here: https://www.dropbox.com/s/74aiyvjiz3e5w0l/Virgin%20Atlantic%20Letter.pdf?dl=0 

Raspberries.

I started this blog 3 years ago when I traveled to the USA and Canada.

The Canadian part of my trip was based in Langley, British Columbia, where I stayed with my sister, my brother-in-law and their 2-year-old daughter.

One night we had a couple over for dinner. I forget their names, but I remember it was one of those affairs where conversation was hard work. Really hard work. This couple were very prim and proper and I had to be on my best behaviour. These environments are torture for me. The collection of stock anecdotes that I save for such occasions had run out. I had nothing in the tank.

It was at this moment when the lady asked me if I enjoyed being an uncle.

Now, when I was a child, my siblings and I all called raspberries a different name. I don't mean the fruit, raspberry. I mean the blowing harmlessly on the tummy of a young person, raspberry. You know what I mean. Just before bed time and all that. And for some reason, we called raspberries...

Blowies.

Yeah. And so, when this couple asked me how I got on with my niece, I replied...

"Oh, I love Gracie. I'm a big kid at heart. I love giving her blowies."

Silence. Stunned confusion on the face of the couple.

"You know... giving someone a blowy?"

Their confusion turns to uncomfortability.

"You know, remember, when you were a kid, and your Dad would chase you around the bedroom and give you a blowy?"

Their uncomfortability turns to horror. I realise why. But, nonetheless, to finish...

"...I love giving blowies."

Sweden

This morning I remembered something that I had tried my best to forget. It happened about three-and-a-half years ago, and today was my first recollection of it, so I had been quite successful.

It was the summer of 2008 and I was part of a 5-person team that went on a speaking trip to Sweden. There was a big Christian conference happening and I had to give a seminar on 'Movies & Storytelling'.

As we were the visiting speakers, the Swedish team wanted us to take part in a 'chat show' on the Friday night. Every Swedish person we spoke to were very excited about this idea. Apparently the chat show was something that happened every year and the guy who hosted it was 'absolutely hilarious'. So we agreed.

We went to the big hall where it was taking place and there were literally hundreds of people crammed in to watch. The host was already sitting down in his seat on the stage and, although not being able to follow most of what he was saying due my Swedish being weak, it was clear that he was a hit. The crowd were laughing hysterically.

Then it came for myself and two other members of the team to go up on stage and be interviewed. We got up and, thankfully, the host spoke to us in English. As the interview went on both the team and the crowd got into it more and more. I remember the host saying something about how, typically, the English are quite reserved. He mentioned that we didn't show our love very much. I asked the crowd if that were true (yes, I engaged the crowd directly), and they all yelled back in the affirmative.

Now I have seen my fair share of 'Friday Nights with Jonathan Ross' to know how to get the crowd involved, so, I thought I'd try and prove them wrong… by jumping on the interviewer's lap and giving him a hug.

Yes, this did happen.

As I did this with quite a lot of comic force, I heard an audible intake of breath from the crowd. 'They're not used to someone being so maverick', I thought to myself. I then addressed the interviewer and crowd, by saying, 'How about that? Is that showing enough love for you? My goodness, you're not a very comfortable seat - you need to work up your leg muscles a bit'.

There were a couple of laughs, but not as many as I expected. I returned to my seat and, soon after, the interview ended and I walked back to my seat. 'That went VERY well", I thought.

The next day as I was walking through the conference hall I saw the interviewer again… pushing himself along in his wheelchair with a very apparent condition of cerebral palsy in his legs.

Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Thought I'd fill you in on a couple of clangers I've dropped this last week... very awkward... not quite sure what's wrong with me.

1. Saturday - I was at a 'freelancers' Christmas pub dinner'. There was about 20 people there, I knew about 5. The conversation was drying up at my end of the table and it started to get awkward. My friend Neil was there, and in an attempt to liven things up, said, 'Let's play that game where you have to either take a letter away or add a letter to a famous movie title to make it sound like something completely different'. He gave the example of 'The Spy Who Loved Men' - it was very funny. People laughed. Jumping on the back of this, I piped up -- all excited like -- and said, 'Oh yeah, I played this game on Twitter - I came up with 'The C*nt Of Monte Cristo!' Silence. More silence. Pain. Disaster. Dinner was ruined.

2. Monday - My friend Tom's Birthday dinner. After we ate, someone tapped their glass and asked him to give a little speech. He gets up, all embarrassed, and says a few words. An American friend present then said, 'So, tell us about the day of your birth - do you know the story at all? Did your parents ever tell you how it unfolded?' Jumping on the back of this, I very loudly said, 'Yeah, come on - tell us about the moment your mother's vagina opened like a flower and you came into the world'. Silence. More silence. Friend was truly insulted. Utter utter disaster.

My Love Actually

Was just flicking through my DVD collection and saw my copy of Love Actually.

I'm not going to watch it tonight. But I am going to write down which people I'd like to see get together in a real life version.

MY LOVE ACTUALLY:

Who: Princess Eugenie / Paul Merson
They meet: Halfords

Who: Rihanna / Peter Beardsley
They meet: University Challenge Semi-Finals

Who: Condoleezza Rice / Rupert Grint
They meet: Tar Barrels, Devon

Who: Fergie (Black Eyed Peas) / John Prescott
They meet: Greggs, Kidderminster

Who: J.K. Rowling / Usher
They meet: Beach front, Minehead

Who: Olivia Newton John / Nick Griffen
They meet: Megabus: Bristol to Rochdale

Who: Whitney Houston / Robbie Cultrane
They meet: Cabinet Room, The White House

Who: Sue Barker / Haley Joel Osment
They meet: Nandos, King's Cross

Who: Lindsay Lohan / Trevor Brooking
They meet: The New Forrest

Who: Pam Ayres / Ludacris
They meet: Sierra Cosworth Convention

Who: Celine Dion / Jeremy Kyle
They meet: Leigh Dellamere Service Station

I could do this all night...

'Talent'

I was at a wedding yesterday.

The groom is a successful actor, and during the reception, a middle-aged lady came up to me:

LADY: 'I'm sorry...I was hoping someone would introduce us...I'm the groom's agent...'

I began to get excited, but she continued:

LADY: 'I saw you earlier and thought that you have such a great look...for comedy. You have a real humourous face'.

ME: '...Uh huh...'

I tried to salvage some pride:

ME: 'Oh, well...someone actually said the other day that I looked like that David Tennant Dr Who guy...'

LADY: 'Oh no, definitely not, he is yummy...'

She wants to come and see me when I do my stand up.

...Back in the Shire

WARNING: This blog contains information of a sensitive nature.

So I went to Somerset for the week, and seeing as I haven't got round to actually registering with an NHS doctor in the four years that I've lived in London, I thought I'd make the most of the practice that I was still a member of and get something checked out.

When I was away in Canada, the immense heat irritated a sweat rash that I had developed around my inner thighs. That's a nice way of saying my testicles. Bollocks. Nuts. It's been quite painful, so I wanted to see if they could give me some 'jockey itch cream', as my friend calls it.

I arrived. Smiled. And the lady led me towards a room. It wasn't the usual room that I go to, and I soon realised why, when the lady said, 'your doctor's ill today, so you'll be seeing a stand-in, okay?'

...right...

The lady opened the door to reveal the most gorgeous young doctor in the history of medicine. To which I said out loud...'oh for fff...'

She must have just graduated from med-school because she was definitely younger than I. There was a second when we looked into each others eyes. She didn't know what was coming. I bloody well did.

So I sat, and she asked me what the problem was. I wanted to say 'your age and beauty, sweet cheeks' but didn't.

I told her the issue I was having with my bollock n thigh. We both knew that it was only a matter of seconds before the big question came, although, bless her heart, she did try to fill the time with some ridiculous questions just to prolong.

And then....

...'Do you mind if I take a look?'

...'No, be my guest(!)'

...'Oooh, impressive!' (she may not have said those exact words)

I bent over and, at one point, remember lifting one leg slightly off the ground. I looked like a dog relieving itself.

But she gave me some cream and it's actually doing the trick.

Bridgy

I'm back in Somerset for the week.

What's the thing I miss most about living here?

Hard choice, but I think it has to be the pet cat that does the most disgracefully smelly farts.