Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Thought I'd fill you in on a couple of clangers I've dropped this last week... very awkward... not quite sure what's wrong with me.

1. Saturday - I was at a 'freelancers' Christmas pub dinner'. There was about 20 people there, I knew about 5. The conversation was drying up at my end of the table and it started to get awkward. My friend Neil was there, and in an attempt to liven things up, said, 'Let's play that game where you have to either take a letter away or add a letter to a famous movie title to make it sound like something completely different'. He gave the example of 'The Spy Who Loved Men' - it was very funny. People laughed. Jumping on the back of this, I piped up -- all excited like -- and said, 'Oh yeah, I played this game on Twitter - I came up with 'The C*nt Of Monte Cristo!' Silence. More silence. Pain. Disaster. Dinner was ruined.

2. Monday - My friend Tom's Birthday dinner. After we ate, someone tapped their glass and asked him to give a little speech. He gets up, all embarrassed, and says a few words. An American friend present then said, 'So, tell us about the day of your birth - do you know the story at all? Did your parents ever tell you how it unfolded?' Jumping on the back of this, I very loudly said, 'Yeah, come on - tell us about the moment your mother's vagina opened like a flower and you came into the world'. Silence. More silence. Friend was truly insulted. Utter utter disaster.

My Love Actually

Was just flicking through my DVD collection and saw my copy of Love Actually.

I'm not going to watch it tonight. But I am going to write down which people I'd like to see get together in a real life version.

MY LOVE ACTUALLY:

Who: Princess Eugenie / Paul Merson
They meet: Halfords

Who: Rihanna / Peter Beardsley
They meet: University Challenge Semi-Finals

Who: Condoleezza Rice / Rupert Grint
They meet: Tar Barrels, Devon

Who: Fergie (Black Eyed Peas) / John Prescott
They meet: Greggs, Kidderminster

Who: J.K. Rowling / Usher
They meet: Beach front, Minehead

Who: Olivia Newton John / Nick Griffen
They meet: Megabus: Bristol to Rochdale

Who: Whitney Houston / Robbie Cultrane
They meet: Cabinet Room, The White House

Who: Sue Barker / Haley Joel Osment
They meet: Nandos, King's Cross

Who: Lindsay Lohan / Trevor Brooking
They meet: The New Forrest

Who: Pam Ayres / Ludacris
They meet: Sierra Cosworth Convention

Who: Celine Dion / Jeremy Kyle
They meet: Leigh Dellamere Service Station

I could do this all night...