Saturday 27 June 2009

Bulldog Walk

Went for a walk this eve.

On my travels I came across a man taking his bulldog for a walk (not a euphemism). The dog food over here must have as many calories as the human cuisine, because this thing was the size of a Volkswagen Golf.

I muttered to the owner something along the lines of 'it's a nice little piece of home'.

Then I stroked the K9 for approximately 15 seconds.

I went on my way.

10 metres down the road, I smelt my hand.

It was if I had high-fived the poo-man.

Thursday 25 June 2009

Tuesday 23 June 2009

Park Archetypes

Just took little Gracie to the park.

What's the one thing that's the same the world over? The one thing that we universally share? The one thing that binds humankind together as 'one'?

It's the man who plays along with the kids' game down the park and takes it way too seriously.

There was a group of about 35 kids divided into 2 teams participating in a game of (American) Football. The 'captain' of one of these teams was a fully-grown mid-thirties man who roared out such things as:

'LET'S DO IT!'...
'T.....T.....TIMEOUT!'...
'COME ON...FOCUS!'....
'NAIL HIM, SOLDIER!'...

He went into tackles as hard as he would with men his own age...he didn't back down in confrontation...he questioned 'the referee's' (another man who was just passing by) decisions. Hysterical.

And another thing I noticed...when it's your job to look after a girl at the park, you realise how gross boys are. They sweat, they salivate, they run around the place pretending everything's about to explode. And do they have to be SO LOUD!? Goodness me.


Monday 22 June 2009

Coldplay and Starbucks' Deaf Mute

Paul surprised me on Friday afternoon with a couple of tickets to watch Coldplay for Sunday night. So we went with a group from his church and had a really soft-rocking good night.

Wanted to explore a bit of the Langley life, so borrowed a map and went a-walking. I like to walk. I'm pretty good at it. But I completely misjudged the scale of the map and the size of the roads over here and, I crap you not, almost passed-out 30 minutes ago. If it wasn't for the life-saving nourishment of the subway foot-long I wolfed down, I don't think I would have made it.

I'm now in a Starbucks where I was just served by a deaf-mute girl. I had to write down what I wanted! But, you know what, I think she's faking it. Maybe she doesn't like the sound of her voice. She looks like an ordinary 22 year-old, but I bet she actually has a voice like Barry White...or maybe Yoda...or perhaps Chewbacca! Imagine that!....

ME: Hi there...how much is a mug of English Breakfast over here?
DM GIRL: ARRRGHGHHHHHH ARRRRGGHHHHHHH ARAAAAARRRRRRGHHH!!!!!
ME:...............marry me!

Saturday 20 June 2009

Interrogation

I was picked up by Bonny this afternoon and we left La Conner and headed for Canada.

This meant that I would once again have to explain myself to border patrol. I thought the Canadians would accept me and my ways more naturally than the guys in Denver (because of the whole commonwealth/sense of humour connection). Wrong. In short: I left the place ashamed to be alive.

A big, scary, bald guy took me into a room and this is a genuine transcript of some our conversation:

BP: 'What'dya do for a living in England?'
ME: 'I've just left my job, I don't currently have one'
BP: '...Why not?'
ME: '...Wanted to move onto different things...'
BP: 'How are you paying for your stay in Canada?'
ME: '...uh...I have money that I saved...'
BP: 'What'ya gonna do for money when you go back home?'
ME: '...Um...I'll be alright. I have plans to continue studying in September...'
BP: 'How are you gonna pay for that?'

No word of a lie. And more and more and more questions of the sort. I half expected him to continue thus:

BP: 'What colour underpants do you usually wear?'
ME: '....Ummm....grey, mostly. Orange if I'm feeling naughty'
BP: 'Have you ever left sprinklets on the toilet seat without wiping them off?'
ME: '...Haven't we all?'
BP: '...Have you ever put your hands down your pants, scratched your balls and then high-fived a friend without washing them first?'
ME: 'Guilty'
BP: 'Ever known forbidden love?'
ME: 'His name was Trevor...'

But I got through, arrived at my sister and brother-in-law's a few hours ago, and spent the evening having fun with them and my two nieces, Phoebe and Gracie. UBERLY cute.

Friday 19 June 2009

Luke Ekblad

I leave for Vancouver in a couple of hours after spending 3 nights at the Ekblad retreat. It's been amazing here - space, farmland, quintessential US people, shops and produce.

A large chunk of my time has been hanging out with Bob and Gracie's second son, Luke. He's 16 and finished school for the summer yesterday. It's exactly 10 years since I left secondary school, and I always get a nostalgic feeling at this time of year, so I connected with him a lot. His mum told me that he's been learning the guitar since Christmas and wondered if I'd jam with him to boost his confidence. He brought up his very nice VOX amp, a Fender Squire and an acoustic, and we've been playing together ever since.

In the space of just 3 days I've seen him go from a shy, nervous beginner to a musician with
lightening-quick learning ability. I've written down a load of artists that he should check out and also a bunch of chord sequences so he can start writing songs of his own. He is going to be a brilliant guitarist and I really feel like I've imparted something of what I've learnt over the years onto him. An honour.

He is also a fellow Lord Of The Rings fanatic. How much so? Last night we had a quote-a-thon and he almost beat me.

Wednesday 17 June 2009

The Rexville Men

Slept for as long as I could but still woke up at 7am.

Trimmed the stubble, showered the body, brushed the teeth and powered the feet (in a new burst to vanish muchos skank).

Gracie recommended a little petrol stop/tea house a short walk from the house called 'Rexville', so I decided to take my book ('The Ghost' by Robert Harris - READ IT!) and check it out.

Ordered an 'English Breakfast' and found a table in-between half a dozen Rexville regulars. The community was amazing, and men here don't have a problem with sharing their feelings as much as they do back in England. The best example of this came half-way through my 2 hours there...just as I was nearing the end of my chapter, the shop owner burst out...

'OH DANG IT! He's gone and done it again! Billy....BILLY!!!!'

The whole group headed outside to discover that 'Billy' had driven away without removing the petrol pump from his car.

It ripped it clean off.

Tuesday 16 June 2009

The Retreat

Kory and I woke up early and drove out to La Conner. The scenery was amazing.

The retreat is like something out of a dream, or maybe Grand Designs...dirt track that leads to a secluded wooded farm house immersed in the trees.
It looks like a bungalow, but when you enter, you realise that you're actually in the upstairs. This is where the main living area is...the kitchen, dining room and HUGE living room that looks out over the Skagit River through MA-HOO-SIVE windows at one end.

There is a balcony that runs round the whole house. This is where the dogs 'Shadow' and 'Willy' jump, bark and lick their testicles...

Gracie (the mum) and Anna (the daughter) cooked us breakfast before Kory had to go back to Seattle. We then took the dogs for a walk...I saw a garter snake, jumped and yelped like a little bitch, and was then laughed at by a 14-year-old girl. A lot.

Washington

Arrived in Seattle - beautiful. Had some burgers, went to bed. Drive out to the retreat in about 20 minutes.

Denver

Things I've learnt in the last 10 hours:

1. England is over-crowded.
2. Don't go for laughs at US Customs. Shut your mouth, use the puppy 'dawg' eyes God gave you, and make sure your necklace with a cross on it is clearly showing...it minimizes pain.
3. Steve Martin hasn't completely lost it...I laughed out loud many times during both watches of 'The Pink Panther 2'.
4. 'Mall Cop' (I believe it was called) is also brilliant.
5.
I've caught my brother's condition of thinking average movies are brilliant.

...onto Seattle/Takoma in just under an hour and a half...retreat for the prophet.

Tom.

Thursday 11 June 2009

Booking...

...A couple of friends recommended 'Trail Finders' in Selfridges as a great place to book my flights...I immediately knew what this meant: having to pass through the make-up section.

Having suffered serious retina damage last time after looking
directly at one of them (the scary made-up women behind the counters), I hunted around for my sun glasses.

Armed with said rimms, I went to Oxford Street and booked my month-long tickets to Seattle, with the plan of spending around a week there and the rest in Vancouver, Canada.

And I wanted to keep a blog...hopefully not too self-involved.